Carelessly Spoken Words

There are many adages concerning words. One of the most recognizable is: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This maxim couldn't be further from the truth. Words DO have the power to inflict deep hurt.

We are all guilty of speaking without thought to the consequences. It's just as impossible for us to know the impact our words will have as it is for us to measure every word we say. We can never be certain they will be received in the same manner in which they were spoken.

Many times, carelessly spoken words have no real malicious intent, yet they have the ability to reopen old wounds or leave ugly scars. How our words are received largely depends on the mood of the person to whom they are spoken and the inner battles with which they struggle.

For example: On a website I frequent, someone recommended I add a former high school classmate. When I sent a 'friend request' to this person, it was responded to with a "Do I know you?". Further comment indicated he looked up my picture in the year book, but he still didn't remember "anyone" like me.

This, in some circumstances, wouldn't have phased me. However, (and here that old bi-polar monster rears its ugly head) because I'm struggling with my depression today, those words slammed into me and significantly contributed to already established feelings of low self-worth. My logical self tells me there was no malicious intent in his comments, yet it's difficult to keep from feeling like a non-entity...of no significance.

For me, logic will eventually win out, but in the mean time my inner battle has become more conflicted because of these carelessly spoken words. For some, these type words could inflict insurmountable damage.

A story comes to mind about two teenage boys who became fast friends after a chance meeting on the way home from school. One boy was a bit of a misfit; the other was quite popular. The popular boy had seen the other one around school, but normally paid him little attention because he wasn't part of the "in" crowd. When they bumped into each other this particular day, they struck up a conversation and the popular boy wound up inviting the misfit into his home. They spent many hours talking and learned they had much in common. As the story turns out, the misfit had reached a point in his life where he felt nobody cared, that he was a non-entity and of no significance, and decided he was going to commit suicide when he got home that day. However, when the popular boy spoke to him and took time to get to know him, it changed his mind...and his life.

Many people are very plain spoken and care little about how their words will be received. They fail to see why others don't think the way they do. To them, it's a very black and white world. These people have developed callouses to shield them from the world seeing their vulnerabilities.

Others are always mindful of the way they phrase things lest their words being taken the wrong way or hurt someones feelings. For them, life is full of gray areas. These people tend to wear their feelings on their sleeves and are easily hurt by other's carelessly spoken words.

I especially think about young children. As we grow and mature, we tend to forget how we perceived things when we were young. Children take things very literally. When dealing with young, impressionable minds, our words can make all the difference in the world.

So, I ask that each of you think about this: Words are very powerful. They have the ability to heal or to mortally wound. To strengthen or to crush. To increase self-esteem or to strip away self-worth. To promote personal potential or to stunt growth. To increase understanding or to slam doors.

What impact will your carelessly spoken words have on others?

More on Bi-polar Disorder

In reading through my last blog (after some concern expressed by one of my mentors), it occurred to me that I need to clarify some things.

Please...PLEASE...understand that I am not recommending that anyone with Bi-polar disorder take the course of action I did. Bi-polar disorder can be a very traumatic, debilitating condition. It can wreak havoc on not only the person suffering with the condition, but also on those who love them. There is no shame in taking advantage of medical intervention...IF it works for you.

Unfortunately, I did not respond well to drug therapy. Instead, I went into a drug-induced psychosis. My quality of life was severely impaired by the drug therapy, and I was not willing to risk the possibility that shock therapy could rob me of my identity. For me, the choice was simple.

Should I have sought out another doctor who was willing to try different combinations of medications? Possibly. Thanks to the outpatient counseling I attended as part of my treatment (as well as doing a great deal of research on my own) , I have been able to manage my condition for six years now without the use of medications. This therapy gave me the necessary tools to make the decision I did. I learned a great deal about my disorder, learned to recognize the symptoms of the various cycles and was taught excellent coping mechanisms. Not everyone can do this...and, again, I don't recommend it for everyone.

The whole point to my previous blog was to point out how important it is for one to take control of their condition, choose the right course of treatment for themselves, and NOT be victims of their condition...not only for themselves, but for those who love them and suffer the impact of the person not taking the necessary steps to manage their condition. Learn everything you can about your condition; find out how others have successfully managed theirs. If medication works for you, by all means take advantage of it. But if it doesn't, get another opinion. Seek out another doctor if yours isn't willing to try different combinations of medications to find the right one(s) for you. Do what is necessary to help you function well.

Choices

This weekend was very difficult for me. I watched someone I love dearly struggle with anger and depression. This illness truly does hurt, not just the person who struggles with it, but those who care about the, as well. As this weekend played out, there were a couple of lessons in this for me.

Firstly, I was reminded of the story about the man who taught his son about the effect of harsh words by having the boy drive nails into a wooden fence, then pull them out and look at the holes left behind. The nails represented angry, harsh words. Removing them demonstrated that we can take the words back, but we can never undo the damage they leave behind.

That old childhood adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." couldn't be more wrong. Words CAN harm and leave emotional scars behind, especially when children are involved. Our true friends and family cannot understand where the anger and rage comes from. All they know is that we have lashed out at them and it appears there is nothing they can do right. This damages their self-esteem and their growth potential, and at some point will make them question whether they want to continue to be subjected to the negativity.

Regardless of the punishment, we should never deal with children when we are in the thoes of anger. I'm not saying children shouldn't be corrected when they misbehave or don't follow instructions. Children need structure. However, we need to think carefully about how we correct them. Is their behavior a result of them simply being children? Or are we demanding they act like adults? Is the corrective action teaching and giving guidance? Or is it demanding they bend to our way of doing things? Children need nurturing, even when being disciplined. They need structure, not tyranny.

The second thing that comes to mind goes back to something I said last week. It's all about choices.

Having battled depression most of my life, I know, first hand, how frustrated and helpless it makes one feel. I understand how difficult it is to NOT feel that others don't care or are not hearing what we have to say. It is exhaustive to struggle, day in and day out, to maintain ones sanity. It's extremely difficult to NOT give in to being jerked around by the mood swings, the hopelessness. Depression leaves one feeling very alone and unimportant. It can be devastating, especially when it's coupled with a background of being told what you have to say doesn't matter; that your thoughts are of no consequence.

Several years ago, following the death of my mother, I went through a severe depression and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I succumbed. I became a victim. I lost six months out of my life. The doctor was at a loss as to what to do for me because I wasn't responding to the medications. Instead, I began having psychotic episodes (which I found out later was due to the combination of medications I was taking). The day the doctor said he didn't know what else to do for me short of shock treatment, I came to the stark realization that I had a choice to make. I could either continue being a victim, or I could take control of the situation and become a survivor.

Every day I struggle with depression and mood swings, but I've learned to recognize the symptoms for what they are. I've made a conscious choice to refuse to let the symptoms control me and have learned ways of coping with it. There are days I give in for a little while, taking the easy way until I can gather my thoughts and the strength to continue the battle. For the rest of my life I will continue to take up the battle every single day - for myself - and for those dear to me. Part of that battle is knowing others can't read my thoughts, and, more importantly, not expecting them to. It's important to keep open communication with those I love, baring my feelings (even if it's uncomfortable), and helping them to understand.

Healing and coping require choices. Again I ask...will you be a victim or a survivor? Will you choose to let your illness cause you to lash out at those who love you the most? Or will you choose to take control and not let things get out of hand. You can never completely take back the harsh, angry, out-of-control words or undo the harm they cause. It's your choice.

Introspections

Someone once said, "You are where you were when." In looking back over my life, I can see how true this is. The things I have experienced throughout my life have shaped me into the person I am.

Losing my father, who was my whole world, when I was an impressionable 9 year old taught me pain and loss.

Seeing my once-dependent mother take control and pull everything together after my father's death taught me courage and how to do what's necessary to take care of those I love.

Having my precious, 10-month-old daughter undergo major surgery to remove a kidney, then hearing the doctor say she had a disease with a high mortality rate, taught me the value of prayer.

Being a military wife taught me how important family is, to stand on my own and how to be flexible. From this I also learned that 'home' is truly where the heart is.

Travelling to foreign countries broadened my mind and reminded me to give thanks for the freedoms I took for granted.

Having teenagers showed me there are things much worse than your child wanting to pierce their ear or get a tattoo and I developed patience and tolerance (though probably not as quickly as my teenagers wish I had).

Suffering a betrayal none should ever have to experience taught me about distrust, emotional abandonment and abuse.

Divorce taught me about loneliness, as well as how to persevere in the face of adversity.

Losing my best friend in the prime of life taught me how precious our friends are and that we shouldn't pass up any opportunity to tell them how we feel.

Being owned by pets taught me unconditional love and selflessness.

Grandchildren...ah...the things grandchildren teach us! Love. Laughter. A renewal of hope.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the drift of what I'm saying. Good or bad, I'm thankful for the experiences in my life, for they have made me the person I am today...strong, independent, self-sufficient, loving, open-minded, spiritual, understanding, caring, and so much more. I truly am a product of where I was when.

There is an invaluable lesson tucked in the middle of these life experiences. We can either be victims or we can be survivors. The choice is ours to make. I choose to be a survivor.

So, I pose these questions...

How have the experiences in your life shaped you? Have you learned from them or have you chosen to become a victim? The choice is yours.

Introductions

Today is a new beginning for me. As related in the "Description", a former high school English teacher encouraged me to write and directed me toward an online blog, so here I am.

For years I've been told I should write, but could never decide what there was I could possibly write about that others would want to read. Granted, my life has been full of many varied experiences to draw upon. I've been married (twice, unfortunately) and have children and grandchildren. I also lived several years in Germany and had the opportunity to visit a few European countries and experience different cultures. I've had my share of love, laughter, heartache, sadness and have lived through it all and kept my sanity. (Well, at least some would say I'm not insane...yet!)

At Mary's encouragement, I'm going to try blogging to see where it takes me. Hopefully it will open some channels to help me find my niche as a writer. With any luck, it will also be a source of entertainment or learning for others. If so, it will all be worthwhile.

So, come along with me, if you will, on a journey through my thoughts.